The Last FF Straw - Lamenting the Thing


Y'see that boulder-y galoot up there? That's Benjamin Jacob Grimm, known affectionately as the Thing. That's also the best the character has EVER looked on screen, be it on television or movies. The towering, impenetrable frame, hulking gate, giant rock paws, and of course, baby blue eyes. The rocks aren't uniform, and one can almost hear the crumbling dust in his lungs. THIS is the best-looking Thing. THIS is what could have reclaimed some of the deluge of jet-black shit water that the newest F4nt4stic 4r movie was...but he had nearly no screen time, and his character was almost completely glossed over - which is a shame because he's universally loved in the Marvel Universe. 

So why didn't the Thing get the screen time he deserved? Why wasn't the promise of the first trailer fulfilled? 

Well, in one of the most heart-breaking pieces of news to emerge from this sordid post-release queef is that there was an absolutely incredible Thing action scene that was didn't make the final cut. Y'know, like how that incredible scene with the Thing laying waste to a tank was shown on a screen within a screen, and it lasted maybe 15 seconds? This scene would have put that to shame. 

According to Gamma Squad and Entertainment Weekly, the scenes teased in the first trailer -- Thing dropping out of a plane at night, a ricochet of bullets off his invincible hide -- were part of a huge action sequence that depicted Grimm as a broken soldier; too monstrous to do anything but be a weapon to serve a shady government, bu too human to relish his power. 

This is, personally, far and away the worst sin this movie could have committed. Sure, they fucked up Doom to the point where it was LITERALLY the worst iteration of the Evil Doctor (yeah, even Hostess Cakes ads had a more believable/menacing monarch), but the Thing is the heart of the Fantastic Four, and a case can be made that he's the most interesting member. And even though they shot and included all the Doom garbage, the shot and created a marvelous scene to put just how powerful the Thing is and the ramifications of his allegiances into perspective, they didn't even use it. 


Dammit, dammit, dammit. 

Fuck this movie with a rusty tablesaw.