WHAT THE **** IS THIS DOOM

Recently, amidst a torrent of negative reviews about its Fantastic Four reboot, Fox has been releasing clips from the movie (...yeah, strange strategy: Ostracize the audience so they won't spend money!). One of those clips has been the thing I've been dreading since character bios were public: it's Doom in action. 

Just...just watch this before I get with the crazy swear-yelling


WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT. 

/watches again

WHAT THE BLUE, FAIRY-FARTING, BRICK OF DICK BUTTER WAS THAT. 

This appears to be Doom marching through either a government base or the Baxter building or whatever-the-hell-I-don't-care, his body coursing with Negative Zone energy, making people's heads explode, and deflecting bullets with an aura of energy. His skin and transdimensional suit are fused with Negative Zone whatevers.

I watched this clip with my three-and-a-half year old daughter, Rory.
Rory: Daddy, who is that?
Me: ...That's....ugh, that's supposed to be Dr. Doom. 
Rory: But where's his suit? 
EVEN A CHILD KNOWS THAT'S NOT DOCTOR F*CKING DOOM. 

Look, Josh Trank deserved the benefit of the doubt after his film "Chronicle" shattered what a super hero movie could be. But then all the details started leaking, and things kept looking bleaker and bleaker, and what really set things over the top were the Doom facts: he's a blogger. He's not a despot. He's not a gypsy. He's not hyper-intelligent. 

And that's precisely where Trank failed miserably. 

Dr. Doom has been many things in the Marvel universe, but most consistently he has been one of the biggest threats any hero has ever faced. And why is that? How can just a man stand toe-to-toe with gods and monsters and still make the Illuminati careful to tread his mood? 

His mind and his ego. 

Doom has always been about his willpower and his intellect, teaching himself and devouring knowledge, all while believing himself better than his current station. His armor? He built it and refined it. His country? He overthrew the Latverian government. His magic? Painfully self-taught. He pushed himself to greater and greater heights, all via his ego and his mind; he will not accept defeat. 

THAT's the Doom that Jonathan Hickman has so lovingly embraced, the Doom that Ed Brubaker, Mark Waid, Jonathan Maberry, and a slew of other extremely talented creators used to his deadly potential. NOT the Akira-wannabe of that clip. That armorless, magicless blogger

That clip makes me physically ill, and I'm horrified to see the film to gather the full nauseating context of it.