Review: The Fantastic Four

The new Fantastic Four movie has been in the headlines for all the wrong reasons, and while living up to the daunting task of sinking to those low expectations seemed nearly impossible....my God, they did it.

Yet whether it was Fox's fault or Trank's, this movie is deplorable.

The Court of Nerds crew walked out of the movie devoid of coherent emotion - Every time a scene got somewhat interesting, it ended. Every time a scene got boring, it continued way too long.

Between Kate Mara's ever-changing hair and the disgusting character development and portrayal of one of Marvel's most interesting and transcendent villains, this flick is a slap in the face.

I'm not going to dig too deep on the terrible Dr. Doom, because Grant did that the other day (JUST BY WATCHING THE TRAILER). I'll get to Doom after taking a closer look at the plot, but don't worry because that won't take long.

The movie's first 25 minutes feels like a real, functional movie: Reed Richards is the young, picked-on, misunderstood nerd. Ben Grimm is the tough junkyard kid. They befriend each other. Franklin and Sue Storm show up at the science fair and ... #Origins.

It's quick, simple and efficient. Once they all get to the Baxter Institute however, the movie becomes time-warped, boring, and dull.

The dialogue is God awful. The flirtation between Reed and Sue is cringe-worthy bad.

As for the actual plot, Reed, Johnny, Ben and Victor Von Doom go on a rogue mission to Planet Zero because they were butt-hurt by the government after transporting matter and bringing it back. Something Something Danger Zone and they are all affected by the cosmic energy and whatnot from the failed mission.

One would think this is where we get to see the development and discovery of their powers.

Au contraire.

Nobody asks about Doom, who fell in a pit and was left behind. Sue, Johnny, Reed and Ben are locked in rooms at Area 51. We get brief glimpses of their struggles accepting their powers. Reed runs into the woods all Bruce Banner-esque and goes off the grid. The Thing (sans pants) accepts some military missions to prove his worth in the hopes of the government finding a cure.

This is where things get interesting right? Everyone has their powers. Reed is off on the run, Thing is about to PWN some terrorists as the others cope with their new abilities.

NOPE.

ONE YEAR LATER.

Reed is in the woods with a beard that a 13-year-old would mock. We get about three quick highlights of Thing crushing tanks and racking up 44 confirmed kills on a military mission. Sue is hovering around a room in her little ball, and Johnny is soaked in swag as he tries to best his time on taking out drones and stuff.

Fantastic Four feels like it was originally supposed to be two-and-a-half hours long, and just got cut to shreds. Instead of a story where heroes rise to the challenge as they find their powers, we get a lame, boring origin story featuring nearly no action, no substance, and six too many science montages.

Still, no mention of Doom until a team gets sent back to Planet Zero. We see him, the crew brings him in (roll trailer footage) and he's back on Planet Zero. The F4nt4stic 4r goes after him, and absolutely eviscerates Doom in the most anticlimactic, short, and pathetic payoff moment in movie history.

The 9 percent Rotten Tomatoes review is spot on - Not only is this the worst comic book movie of all time, but this is one of the worst major motion picture events of all time. This is not an exaggeration.

I'd watch Green Lantern, Ghost Rider, Punisher, Spider-Man 3 instead of this any day.

Trank has taken to social media and blamed Fox for ruining his great film, but I'm not buying it. Maybe he had something better, but there was not a great movie under all of this.

Michael B. Jordan did his best. Miles Teller was given a crap script that never let his character blossom. Kate Mara couldn't even figure out her wig. Seriously, there had to be an enormous team of editors, and special effect workers and her hair still changed color and consistency almost from scene to scene.

There is so much story here that gets brushed under the rug. The Thing's story is easily the most emotional and profound, and we only get about three minutes of depth.

Even with all of this, the killing off of Doom and the way they did it is just disgusting. So easy. So quick. Doom is rightfully referred to one of the greatest villains of all time. He is one of my personal favorites and as Grant said, consistently one of the biggest threats any hero has ever faced.

There is so much more to Doom and to see it wasted in such fashion urges me to compel you, to implore of you: Do not spend money on this movie. Let's just sit back and hope that Fox sells the rights to Marvel.

I don't hate the cast. I would love to see them get another chance -- not another reboot -- but a restructure. There is just so much wrong here.