List for List's Sake: The League of the Mouse

I admit, I'm a Disney fan.  I love that capitalist, overreaching, quick-to-sue company with all my soul.  I know it has a dark side, but something about a Disney movie/show/princess/anything just warms my black, glittery soul.

And now, the Mouse owns Marvel.

And has for a while.

Which begs the question: why hasn't Disney jumped on the Classic Characters as Superheroes opportunity?

Hell, you can find about five million fan-made renditions of the princesses as superheroes, you'd think Disney would have been all over that and suing people over the designs by now.

But unlike those artists (with all due respect), you can't just slap spandex on Snow White and claim she's a badass (SPOILER: she isn't).  You need to team up the best of the best.

So, here it is: the Disney League of the Mouse.

Tarzan (Tarzan)

While not superhuman in any way, Tarzan's physical abilities are extremely impressive.  He survived infancy in a jungle with a family of gorillas, surfs through trees, and killed a friggin' jaguar in hand-to-claw combat.  He can also communicate with animals (at least gorillas and baboons) which gives him some seriously dangerous allies.

Rapunzel (Tangled)

Yup, the chick with the hair.  The magic, healing hair.  The magic, healing hair that she can wield like a gorram lasso, making the healing hair a weapon as well.  Also, she's pretty impressive with a frying pan.  You've got a healer and melee fighter in one bubbly blonde package.

Triton (The Little Mermaid)

The Aquaman parallels are obvious.  King of the sea, communicates with ocean critters, and has a trident that shoots lightning.  Throw a leg-growing spell at him and you've got a pretty impressive hero.

Merida (Brave)

If Hawkeye and Green Arrow are any evidence, you don't need superpowers to be a superhero.  Disney's answer to the need for badass archers (that aren't also foxes in jaunty hats), Merida is ballsy, brave (HA), and an ace with a bow.

Beast (Beauty and the Beast)

Not the prince.  Fuck the prince.  And his Pantene Pro-V hair.  We want the Beast in all his berzerker rage glory.  I always had a crush on the Beast, but not his human form.  Which may be a problem I should be working through.

Elsa (Frozen)

Y'all knew it was coming.  She's basically Iceman with a better tailor.  She can throw together a massive, detailed ice tower without breaking a sweat.  Girl's got skills.  Just don't sneak up on her.

Anna (Frozen)



Watch the movie again.  Notice something about the younger sister?


In the span of 109 minutes, she throws a marble bust across the room like it's a pillow, bends an entire tree over, tosses a sack full of mining axes easily, pulls a man three times her size up a cliff, and abuses the shit out of Hans in the form of hip-checking him casually into bushes and also punching him so hard in the face that he flies through the air.  There's actually a strong theory that Anna has superstrength, but her sister's more dangerous powers overshadowed her own abilities, so they remained largely unnoticed.

Kida (Atlantis: The Lost Empire)

Holy shit, is this not a woman to mess with.  As the ruler of Atlantis, she is permanently merged with the Heart of Atlantis, a phenomenal power source that causes the city's inhabitants to live for hundreds of years, and allows Kida to heal wounds, obtain technological knowledge far advanced from our world, and, in dire straights, gives her massive telekinetic abilities that could level islands.  Even without the crystal's abilities, Kida is a master linguist (what up, Doug Ramsey) and a hell of a warrior, as shown when she easily takes out three of Rourke's men.  She's easily one of the most powerful figures in Disney's universe).

And there you have it.  I excluded characters from Hercules (they're gods, man, unfair) and villains, because....well....maybe I want to make another list, okay?  /excuses