Sometimes I write intros to segments that don’t make it on the podcast for one reason or another: It was a busy week and we didn’t have time, it was time sensitive and the moment passed before production, America pulled an America. So Instead of trying to cram these recording’s down your earholes, I figured I would pollute your optic nerves instead. So here are some scripts that didn’t quite make it. *Note Lisa is my wife, Finn is my son*
Originally for the release of Civilization VI:
Doctor: Alright you two, what brings you here today?
Kevin: Doc, All she does is want to spawn camp. I figured giving her a sniper rifle would keep her out of my hair, but she just picks off bots without any greater objective in mind.
Lisa: At least I have a kill count! All you do run in Leroy Jenkins like, and die after 10 seconds.
Kevin: I’d live longer if someone was covering me instead trying to line up the perfect head shot.
Lisa: You couldn’t hit a Covie with shotgun to their chest.
Doctor: All right, All right you two, there’s more to relationships than just Halo, Right?
Lisa: Oh, there is, you should have seen him the time he spied on me when we were playing Civ!
Kevin: That was one time! One Time, and you should take it as a compliment that I considered you a threat!
Lisa: Meaning I can only win if you let me win, is that what you’re saying?
Kevin: We will never know will we, because you never want to fight me!
Lisa: Oh, I’ll fight you! I’ll go Gandhi on your ass and make your capital glow!
Doctor: Please, Please, settle down. There must be a common game that you guys can play together co-operatively and not have someone come out as the overall winner?
Lisa: Oh, there are, if you’re a wuss.
Kevin: Amen to that.
Lisa: I mean listen to this guy, I bet the only game he plays is candy crush and Uno.
Doctor: I’ll have you know that professional competitive Uno is nerve wrackingly…
Kevin: Whatever Sigmund Fraud, common babe let’s get out of here and get some UT in.
Finn: I want to play Forza!
Originally for the Election Day Podcast which never was:
This week’s segment is sponsored by the Make Faerun Great Again Super PAC.
In best Trump Impersonation
“I’m Tronald Drumpf, and I approve this message.”
Now is the time for leadership…
“Drow. Drow. Drow are everywhere. They don’t pay taxes, they break our laws, and Baldur’s Gate’s leadership has done nothing. They haven’t done a thing. THEY HAVE DONE NOTHING.”
Now is the time for change….
“I know that the Waterdavian Lords take advantage of our trade policy. It’s true. It’s true. I know it’s true because I’m a Lord myself and I take YUUUUUUUGE advantage of Baldur’s Gate trade laws. YUUUGE.”
Now is a time for strength…
“We are gonna build that subterranean wall and keep all the Drow out. We are gonna build that wall and Menzoberranzan is going to pay for it.”
Now is the time for xenophobia…
“I look around and I see temples of Illmater popping up everywhere. They will be on every corner if my opponents have their way selling whips and chains. WHIPS and CHAINS… We recognize Selune… If you want to convert that’s fine… as long as you’re at least a 7.”
Now is a time for tiny hands…
“My father was a Gnome, and proud of it. He only left me a small fortune, a lordship, thousands of acres of land, a sexy granddaughter, and I managed to maintain my lifestyle despite losing six businesses because I didn’t have the money he gave me… That’s why I’m running for Emperor of Baldur’s Gate. Now I know that job doesn’t exist yet, but I’m confident that if I believe enough I can make it real.”
Now is a time for tiny hands… again…
“They let you do that when your famous… You can walk right up to an Illithid and grab them in their face tentacles.”
Now is a time for paranoia…
“They will come for you if you do not vote for me as Emperor. The system is rigged because there is no system! They are going to take your rapiers, your short swords, your… I don’t know… morning stars… They hate freedom.”
Now is the time to intimidate fellow voters. Sign up for poll watching at your local brothel today.
“I will make Faerun great again… for some people… for others it will suck, but who cares about those.”