Mobile Game Monday: Avengers Academy

What you need to know:

Have you ever wanted to see the Avengers as vacuous teenagers talking about selfies and the internet?

No? Well, tough shit. This game exists to fill that void.

Avengers Academy 2

Hydra is a bunch of bullies - They’re out to destroy you or something! So it’s up to a disgustingly obnoxious Tony Stark to help build Avengers Academy and recruit other Avengers to take them on. Or something. After a few hours, the plot hasn’t advanced much.

Your job is to tap the icon, or drag the thing to the thing, then wait an arbitrary amount of time to complete the “mission.” Each of these "missions" focus on apologizing for vacuous behavior to recruit a character, doing vacuous things like shopping for a new phone, deleting embarrassing photos on the internet, and building shit. How this helps to defeat Hydra is anybody’s guess. 

And that’s essentially the game. You tap the thing, wait for a few seconds to a few minutes to a half hour (to 8 fucking hours. Seriously), and then tap a thing again. Sometimes you drag a little box to another little box. And you get to do this for approximately 1 or 2 minutes at a time before you have to wait for all of your douchey heroes to finish doing their douchey activities. Sometimes this takes a minute. Other times, you have to wait fucking hours. HOW MUCH LONGER WILL IT TAKE YOU TO MASTER THE DANCE FLOOR, LOKI?

You CAN speed up the process by spending crystals, and then spend more crystals to “Early Unlock” special heroes like The Hulk or Spiderwoman. But it’s way, way expensive, and crystals are a once-in-a-blue-moon sort of drop. 

And when you run out of crystals? You have to go buy them with your hard-earned real money, of course. Because commerce in mobile games, that’s why!

Eventually, you get to the point where you get to unlock more areas, more characters, and clear “debris” sitting in the way of where you want to build stuff. Okay, that’s more exciting.

And yeah, you can build and customize the Academy in a mock-SIMS kind of way. There are trees, benches, shrubs, and other hogwash you can purchase with your hard-earned American dollars to look at, or have your characters aimlessly wander past and occasionally interact with. But beyond that, these cosmetic items do little to add any value other than cosmetic.

The art style is about the only thing in this entire atrocity that’s not completely balls-out stupid. In fact, the art is gorgeous; The characters (while vacuous. Have I mentioned that they’re vapid piles of vacuousness?) exhibit an entire range of teenaged emotions in cel-shaded goodness. Their clothes are, as the children would say, “On fleek.” Like. Look at Loki’s jacket. That shit is bonkers cool.

The game runs smoothly enough - The animations are gorgeous. It’s just a shame it was all wasted on such a poorly thought out excuse for a mobile game. Who’s the art director? I want to find him and personally apologize.

I NOW KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO

I NOW KNOW THAT FEEL, BRO

Bottom line:

Don’t play this. Don’t let your kids play this. If you want a cool game with the same characters, go play Marvel Puzzle Quest. Your kids would enjoy it more, too.

3/10 Turds