For those who follow the podcast, it's no secret that I have a thing with professional wrestling.
Since tonight is the biggest night of the year in the pro-wrestling world, and that I know there are more pro-wrestling nerds out there, I wanted to take the chance to give y'all a brief rundown of the matches, predictions and, of course, how to watch the show.
For those too cool to watch WrestleMania, The Walking Dead finale is on tonight on AMC. The Comedian is supposed to show up or whatever. I'm behind on this current season so I'll be binging soon.
Thanks to a pile of injuries that would make Derrick Rose blush, this is one of the most hastily and lazily put together WrestleMania in years. The stories are blah, but the level of weird could -- COULD -- make up for that.
How to watch: The fun starts on the USA Network from 5 to 7 p.m. That stuff is for free.
The meaty stuff starts at 7 p.m. on the WWE Network.
A subscription to the WWE Network costs $9.99. This doesn't just mean that WrestleMania is $9.99, but that an entire month of the WWE Network is $9.99. That means more WWE, WCW, ECW, NWA, WCCW, original programming and documentaries than you can handle.
There's no catch and there's actually a way to enjoy all of this and WrestleMania for free. If you sign up right now, seriously right now, you will get the entire month of April and the big show for free. You can cancel anytime. Just cancel before the end of April. Why are still reading. Go do this.
You could always just find a friend who has the network.
The matches, my level of excitement and a brief prediction:
The Total Divas vs. B.A.D. & Blonde
This match was added to make sure everybody gets a participation ribbon. It's pretty much going to just be a highlight reel for Maffew's Botchamania videos (a monthly/weekly/whenever he feels like it compilation of the screw ups from the world of wrestling. His videos are hilarious and he's a big Simpsons nerd so there is some crossover potential here.)
Level of excitement: Zero pelvic thrusts
Prediction: I will eat chips and there will be a match
The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
Two teams and four guys that should have a real role on the show, but the creative staff just kind of lumped them together. This match exists to exist. Really disappointed that there isn't something better for the Dudley's first WrestleMania in more than a decade.
Level of excitement: 1/2 a forced pelvic thrust
Prediction: The Dudleyz win and refuse to put The Usos through a table to further build their heelness.
Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royale
More WrestleMania participation ribbons to pass out. Thirty guys compete in a Royal Rumble match where they have to abstain from being thrown over the top rope. Last guy standing wins. They have never used this match to do anything/propel a career or anything.
Level of excitement: The other half of my pelvic thrust from the Dudleyz match
Prediction: The winner will get a brief push and then find himself back in this match a year from now
The New Day vs. The League of Nations
The most exciting/fun thing in wrestling (The New Day) vs the walking equivalent of a poorly used/stale fart (The League of Nations). Kind of annoyed that The New Day's tag team titles aren't on the line as this is fucking WrestleMania. But, OK, I guess the writer's room must have wanted to find a way to make people not care about this match.
Level of excitement: Two pelvic thrusts in all, because the League of Nations stole the third one I sent out for The New Day.
Prediction: The League of Nations wins. Why wouldn't they? The titles aren't even on the line.
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
All right, here we go. Gettin' into the prime rib course and away from the under-fried chicken gizzards portion of the show. Longtime TNA stud and worldwide phenomenon AJ Styles makes his long-awaited WrestleMania debut. Yeah, he's in a thrown together match with bad guy Chris Jericho but we know exactly what we're getting here.
Two legends on a big stage. I expect AJ's reigns to be loosened a little bit and for the WWE to show the unsuspecting portion of its universe what AJ Styles is all about.
Level of excitement: Three out of five pelvic thrusts. Jericho's age is showing but he's still a master both in the ring and of getting fans to kind of hate him. It's going to be gratifying to see AJ walk out in front of that big of a crowd and that's what I'm looking forward to the most.
Prediction: I think we'll get a solid 12-15 minutes of action in this one. AJ should get the win and we should see him actually start to trend up in the summer months.
Kalisto (c) vs. Ryback
The United States Championship is up for grabs in this one. I think I remember seeing this will be on the USA Network's pre-show. Not much to talk about.
Level of excitement: 76ers vs. Magic. I'm curious, unable to look away but I have no true vested interest.
Prediction: Ryback will receive Gillberg chants and injure Kalisto on a simple body slam.
Charlotte (c) vs. Becky Lynch vs. Sasha Banks
Hell yeah, my buddies, hell yeah. This is going to be a good'un. Charlotte and Ric Flair are heeling it up big time and I think the stage is set for a solid, long match between these three impressive talents.
Level of excitement: Four respective pelvic thrusts. The first match on the card that is both sensical and for a title!
Prediction: The Flairs try to cheat, but Sasha comes in for the win. It feels like we've been building toward this, but I'm worried they aren't going to crown The Boss when she most deserves it.
Kevin Owens (c) vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Zack Ryder vs. Sin Cara vs. The Miz vs. Stardust LADDER MATCH
There is no storyline, but who cares at this point. These dudes doing cool stuff for the Intercontinental title? That's all that needs to be said. I wish KO and Dolph were in a different spot on the card, especially with all the injuries to top guys, but this works.
Level of excitement: Three solid thrusts with one half-assed thrust. I'm a storyline sucker and I'm sick of Dolph being stuck in the jobber-sphere.
Prediction: I think they get weird with it and surprise us with Zack Ryder. Take the focus off KO so we can build toward the main event while giving the fans something to be excited/distracted about.
Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker Hell in a MawFuggin Cell
What the hell. I was at the Raw in Detroit when they announced this match and I've been muttering "what the hell" to myself ever since.
If Shane wins: He controls Raw and Undertaker never wrestles at 'Mania again
If Taker wins: He wins ... Nice ...
Level of excitement: All right. It will mean nothing eventually, but the nostalgia in me is too damn powerful. Four emphatic thrusts with one curl of my big toe.
Prediction: I'm gonna get weird. Someone will return and interfere in this match. I want Cena to come back and go heel on Taker, but yeah right. Someone will screw Taker over for the basis of getting the chance to end his career at WrestleMania 33. I don't know who. I hope The Rock or Cena, but I'm dreaming here with no actual belief supporting it.
Dean Ambrose vs. Brock Lesnar Street Fight
Dean has been picking on Brock for months with Lesnar half paying attention. This is WWE's chance to put Dean over in Stone Cold Steve Austin fashion, but that makes too much sense for them to actually do it.
Level of excitement:
Prediction: Brock wins and goes away until his next big paycheck at SummerSlam. WWE smiles in the corner whilst crying.
Main Event WWE World Heavyweight Championship HHH vs. Roman Reigns
A decent enough build to the main event that no one wants. Legend/authority HHH takes on the guy WWE is trying to cram down its fans throats. Nice.
Level of excitement: They remembered I wanted Sweet Asian Chili Wings instead of Honey BBQ
Prediction: We all lose