WrestleMania 33: Obligatory Braven match card breakdown, thoughts

So today, Sunday, April 2, is WrestleMania 33. The show starts at 5 p.m., with the main card set to get down to business at 7 p.m. on the WWE Network. I will break down the card with some thoughts and prediction to go with both. 

If you missed the That's So Braven: WrestleMania special, that's all right because here it is: 

Kickoff Pre-show: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
Sami Zayn, Braun Strowman, Goldust, R-Truth, Curtis Axel, Dolph Ziggler, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Chad Gable, Jason Jordan, Primo, Epico, Bo Dallas, Jinder Mahal, Rhyno, Heath Slater, Apollo Crews, Mojo Rawley, Big Show, Curt Hawkins, Tyler Breeze, Fandango, Tian Bing, Mark Henry, Killian Dain

Breakdown: All right, I'm a Royal Rumble guy but not a battle royal guy. It just doesn't do much for me, and the fact that basically nothing has happened with the winner of this match drives that feeling home even more so. 

If this match came with the nice trophy and let's say a future main event PPV match, then we could at least bite our teeth into something. Heck, have it be for a spot in the Money in the Bank ladder match. Sometimes a little out of the box thinking mixed with long-term connection is exactly what the WWE Universe needs. 

Prediction: While Braun Strowman should win, and this is Big Show's last match, I'm thinking Dolph Ziggler. Something has to happen with him eventually, right? Might seem like a stretch, but it's a former world champ on the pre-show. 

Kickoff Pre-show: WWE Cruiserweight Title Match
Austin Aries vs. Neville

Breakdown: I am in love with both of these guys' current characters and the short-story told on 205 Live and Monday Night Raw. It's on the pre-show, which takes away some of the hype but also means that they should get ample time. I just hope that the crowd is more filled in at 5ish p.m. than it was for last year's Ryback-Kalisto U.S. Championship opener. 

Prediction: I think Neville retains based on him being on a role as chip-on-my shoulder, evil Neville. It's on the pre-show, so we don't need a Aries feel-good moment. He's not going anywhere, so I don't think we need to rush a payoff. 

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Breakdown: I love AJ Styles. I respect Shane McMahon. But, I don't want a AJ-Shane WrestleMania match. Listen to the That's So Braven podcast on more of this, I'm done ranting about Shane's punches. 

Prediction: AJ is winning this match. The set design makes me think Shane is taking a big bump, but that's the only reason he's on the card, so of course he is. 

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. The Miz and Maryse

Breakdown: Man, even though Deadspin said it perfectly here ( ), I'm going to reiterate it. This is what WrestleMania is all about. This rings of old-school storytelling, but with new-school swagger and spice. The promos have been personal, deep-hitting and perfectly rolled out. I'm into it. 

Throw in the Al Roker factor and this is such a WrestleMania match. I'm looking forward to this being entertaining as all hell, and for Cena to propose to Nikki. It's happening. 

Prediction: I'm probably wrong, but The Miz is so white-hot right now. Cena is going away soon, and Miz could catapult him to the top with a gut-wrenching Cena-Bella moment stealing win. 

Fatal 4 Way Elimination Match for the RAW Women's Title
Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Bayley

Breakdown: This should be a fantastic match, but these characters -- excluding Charlotte and Nia -- need a kick in the gut. The impending Bayley-Sasha feud will hopefully do that for us. 

Prediction: I'm going with Sasha. I think Nia goes down first, then Charlotte by the double-team and I think Sasha rolls Bayley up with the tights for the 1-2-3 heel turn. 

WWE United States Title Match
Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho

Breakdown: Ah, the best story on the card. This has the potential to be a classic as both are in their groove right now. Let these Canadian heroes work and show us why they're so beloved for being two of the best in the world at what they do. 

Prediction: I think we get the summer of KO beating the crap out of people before he gets reunited with his ugly red belt. I think we get 20 minutes, and an intense, personal slobberknocker. 

WWE Intercontinental Title Match
Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose

Breakdown: I mean, we saw this coming from Elimination Chamber. Two guys that have done the best with what they were given. Baron is on the upswing, and Deanpool is in limbo. 

Prediction: Baron wins this match, and Dean hopefully finds something to sink his teeth into. 

Triple Threat Ladder Match for the RAW Tag Team Titles
Enzo Amore & Big Cass vs. Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson

Breakdown: The ladder match makes this one even more exciting. This is a solid mix of guys, who know each other extremely well. The build has been solid, and I feel like Enzo and Cass give this match widespread appeal. 

Prediction: Enzo and Cass win, merchandise sales double. 

SmackDown Women's Title
Naomi vs. Mickie James vs. Carmella vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch vs. Alexa Bliss vs. TBA

Breakdown: I only care about the potential TBA. The story has been butt. 

Prediction: Becky or TBA. 

Non-Sanctioned Match
Triple H vs. Seth Rollins

Breakdown: A feud a longtime in the making. I'm just excited to see what the hell happens and who gets involved. There are a lot of low-key things that could happen. Samoa Joe/KO? Roman/Dean? The Stephanie and Mick factor? This should be an exciting 1998 WCW PPV level type of big-name match. 

Prediction: There's no way HHH is winning this, right? RIGHT?! Seth wins. 

Roman Reigns vs. The Undertaker

Breakdown: Another WrestleMania, another Undertaker-John Cena-less card. All right, let's just saw throw Roman Reigns at things until he sticks. Ugh, I don't care. These guys do not complement each other, at all. 

Prediction: Roman is probably going to win, and that's a bummer. 

WWE Title Match
Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt

Breakdown: A story that has survived on the same replays for three weeks now. Luke Harper deserves to be involved in this match, but that doesn't mean I'm not into it. Orton and Wyatt are as smooth as it gets and they know their strengths. Don't sleep on this match, it should be a physical affair full of false-finishes. 

Prediction: Orton wins with a neat RKO because it's WrestleMania and that's what they do with most of Randy's Mania singles matches. Wrestling is repetition and recycling, people, and that's not always a bad thing. 

Now, please enjoy a collection of Randy-Mania RKO gifs: 

WWE Universal Title Match
Brock Lesnar vs. Bill Goldberg

Breakdown: I mean, what am I supposed to say. I don't like it, but I know why WWE feels like it has to do it. I'm interested in the spectacle, the entrances and the unknown. I'll check out during the match. 

Prediction: I'm giving Lesnar the win in 4-minutes.