D&Diary: How to Assassinate a General in 19 Easy Steps

***The account of actual D&D gameplay is 100% true***


After taking a week off due to SuperAIDS, I (Grachen, a dragon-born wizard) was anxious to get back to my group. One of the hallmarks of said group is to roll for and somehow perfectly execute dumb-ass stunts.

For example, we once all piled into a cart and disguised our Face Tank (Philip, a human warrior) as a horse to get by undead elf archers. The previous week they had a great eagle carry a Halfling rogue (Bree Tealeaf) to attempt a sneak attack. Admittedly, it’s dumb shit, but somehow we all roll in the clutch and pull it off. Keep this in mind.

Upon returning I reaped the benefits of XP, upgrading my spell book to use Level 3 spells, as well as upping my max hit points. Unfortunately, I find out we’re smack-dab in the middle of a Salted Earth-kind of assault on our allies.

Our mission is simple: we have to travel from the southwest region of our map to our home town, a three days’ journey on foot, to attempt to quell a massacre. Thankfully, I roll a sweet 18 with +5 modifier to ask our elven hosts for a ship and some dank-ass armor upgrades, and the trip is wound down to a day.

While on the water we perceive four ships from an opposing navy… and we’re on a simple shipping vessel. Thankfully, my fellow wizard (Eldra Eagle-seeker, a half-elf) cast an invisibility spell to cloak our ship, and I roll a natural 20 to create an illusion of our ship far off in the distance, drawing the enemy navy away. Once in the city we have to sneak to a hideout, and since I’m a big damn dragon born wizard I decide to disguise myself. I roll a natural 20 and become a nondescript barrel. Which 20 was more impressive? I’m leaning Barrel.

We realize that in the city is one of the General Orcs who will be leading a massive attack on our elven allies, so we send a message eagle (Eldra's pal Helevorn, a baby Great Golden Eagle) of warning, and foolishly decide to assassinate the general to severely hamper the evil army. This is a pretty fucking dumb thing to plan, since we have to sneak in through the sewers, navigate a subterranean catacomb, and then fire a stacked weapon on a perfect shot to do this guy in.

As a stacked weapon we give our best assassin -- the same Halfling rogue who attempted to ride an eagle the previous week -- a +3 mystical arrow, a band of Haste, and a max damage potion. We cast invisibility on her, as well as our other Halfling rogue (Perrin Proudfoot, who has taken a Haste potion to keep up). Now, this is where our bonkers stunt-rolling comes into play yet again: we’ve planned this attempt. It works in theory. IN THEORY. 

Let’s take a break from the narrative to discuss just how batshit bonkers this attempt is.

Bree had to roll a high-ass D20 to get the Max Damage potion to reach maximum potency, so that was a 1-in-20 roll. Then we had to make sure the invisibility spell was top-notch, so let’s say we rolled a 19. To hit those two rolls is about a probability of .0075% success rate. THEN, she has to roll for damage, hoping for an optimal first shot to combine with the ONE +3 arrow and her +2 shortbow. We’re talking about a general success rate somewhere around .00025% at best.

The tension in the room was palpable, and Bree felt the full weight of the situation. This is like playing a first person shooter game where you are a sniper, and you have to hit a shot from 400 yards away in a storm…and hit the subject right in the left temple as he’s riding a horse. We were on pins and needles praying for a roll over 16 – we weren’t even entertaining the idea that this may go tits-up and all our sneaking and plotting and prepping would be dashed like sea foam on rocks.  It was agonizing.

By some divine intervention by some DnDeity or something, Bree nails him with a 58 damage on her first shot, and then follows up with a 28 damage on the second. The other invisible rogue nails him for a 12 and an 8 (yay Haste potion!). After rolling initiative where the entire room hasn't drawn a breath (after their attacks the rogues are no completely visible by the general and open for attack by his twin scimitars), Bree hits a natural 20 and then she finishes it off with another shot to the torso.

These two hobbit mawfuggas kill an orc general with over 100 hit points in only a couple turns. Our DM was flabbergasted – he planned on our entire group limping away from a conflict that would see most of us near death, and our harebrained scheme somehow worked to the best of our dopey expectations.

Pictured here: Our DM after yet another ridiculous success. 

Pictured here: Our DM after yet another ridiculous success. 

But this is just how we do things: we can barely communicate with new allies, let alone ourselves (seriously: tonight we accepted a new member into our party, and our paladin ended up combating her instead, simply by shitty rolls), and something like this turns out better than we could hope for.

I also rolled a 12 for a sick burn with a +5 modifier, so it wasn’t up to my usual snuff. I blame the SuperAIDS.