Sledge is on antibiotics and has been told to take it easy, so naturally he’s going to make another pointless list for his, if not for your, entertainment. This time, however, he decided to make “real people” into “pretend people” ( or “at least not yet people”). He looked at his compatriots, saw they didn’t hate him enough, and decided to give them 40K identities. His menial interactions with them have no doubt provided him with enough detail of their inner-workings to pick their perfect Warhammer 40K correlation. So I give you:
IF THE COURT OF NERDS LIVED IN THE 41ST MILLENIUM, LIST
This is a silly list and not meant to be taken personally. Any and all offence taken on behalf of the Nerds portrayal is completely Sledge's fault.
Droo – Ork, Warboss
All Orks is equal, but some Orks are more equal dan uvvas.
When ever you look at a group of Orks, your eye is always drawn to the Warboss. They are the Biggest, if not the smartest, of their group. They don’t demand respect, they take it. In an odd twist, Orks are actually the strongest psykers in the universe, they just don’t realize it. Things, no matter how contrived, always seem to work with them around. Red cars go faster because of red. Yellow bombs make bigger boom boom. More barrels mean more dakka dakka. Warboss’s believe that more is more, and we all recognize that when there is more… there is more.
Isaac – Ork, Gun Grot
Wot's faster than a warbuggy, more killy than a warbike, and flies through da air like a bird? I got no bleedin' idea, but I'm gonna find out.
Gretchin are Orkoids that are subservient to their larger orks, but some might say they are the smartest of race. Sure they get kicked around, but they can at least hit what they are aiming at half the time, unlike their larger counterparts. They tend to love bombs, ammo, and anything that might make large folk less plentiful.
Gregg – Tau, Water Caste
For the Greater Good
If there is any race in the 41st millennium that might be construed as not completely xenophobic, it’s the Tau. They adhere to the belief that all peoples can work together and achieve enlightenment and harmony… as long as they are the ones in charge. A young space faring race, the Tau don’t have a firm concept of the Warp, and are completely devoid of psychers… at least that’s what those Ethereals keep telling you. The water caste are the ambassadors, the diplomats, the linguists, the communication specialists, the traders, they are the ones that make sure everything runs as smoothly as possible… for the Greater good.
Emily – Sister of Battle, Order of the Valorous Heart
No army is big enough to conquer the galaxy. But faith alone can overturn the universe
The Adeptas Sororitas is a branch of the Ecclesiarchy created because the exact words of the "Order of the Ministorum" said it could not have “men under arms.” This led to the creation of one might call the fiercest, if not fanatical, forces inside the Imperium. Sisters of Battle are the “Daughters of the Emperor” and the purity of their faith help keep the worlds of the Imperium in check. They are the moral gate keepers. The judges of heresy. While there is much overlap in mission with that of the Inquisition, Sister’s of Battle do not compromise their beliefs, assured in their righteous position.
Stacey – Adeptus Mechanicus - Tech Priest
It is my great regret that we live in an age that is proud of machines that think and suspicious of people who try to.
The Imperium could not stand without the Mechanicum. The factories of Mars and it’s Forge Worlds create the machinery that hold the galaxy together. The tech priests know that the Machine Spirit is finicky at times and must be nurtured, cared for, and respected. It is the will of the Omnisiah. Discovering lost technology and preserving that which exists is their drive, along with the destruction of all xenos technology which is an abomination to the Machine God.
Jon – Eldar Corsair
He who sees his own doom can better avoid its path. He who sees the doom of others can deliver it
The Eldar are an ancient race whose civilization has been in decline for countless millennia. Those without allegiance to a craft world, or have succumbed to the deepest temptations of Slaanesh, find themselves outside an over-riding ideology. That’s just fine for Eldar Corsairs who have resigned themselves to the fate of their race and therefore can focus on survival and profit. Piracy is lucrative after all, and smuggling goods between races can be profitable. They are unscrupulous though, and those that hire them might befall a terrible fate if there is profit to be seen.
Ben – Space Wolf – Lone Wolf
What does not kill me... is not trying hard enough.
The sons of Fenris are some the fiercest amoung the stars. Like their Primarch Leman Russ, these Astertes are brutal caste of warriors, but with an intelligence that rivals that of Ultramarines, and tactics that rival the Dark Angels. Large in stature and often sporting long and intricate beards, they resemble Vikings of old Terra. Those called Lone Wolves are survivors. Operating as a one marine squad, he is free to move about the battlefield.
Grant – Jokaero
Giant orange space apes… what don’t you understand?
Jokaero resemble orangutans of old Terra, but in fact are far older. 60 million years ago, the Old Ones created the technology mimicking Jokaero to help in their war against the Necrons. These beings are actually highly intelligent and are highly coveted as weaponsmiths for the Inquisition. Jokaero digi-weapons have turned the tide of many battles and can be sometimes seen around the ranks of Grey Knights, despite their rather silly looking appearance.
Kevin – Chaos Daemon – Nurgling
There, feel the glory of necrosis, and rejoice! Nurgle loves you!
Nurglings are concentrated pus and contagion come to life. They start as small blobs of filth, feeding on the rancid juices of the Great Unclean One's innards until they are able to leave his body. Even then, much of their existence resolves around their "father". They roam around the Great Unclean One and bicker among themselves for his attention, though there are always some unfortunate enough to get accidentally squashed or picked up as snacks.