Comic Review: Secret Empire #0

And so it begins... to begin... or some shit.

/Blech

Ah.. excuse me... I vomit a little every time I turn the page.

/Hrk

Okay, I think I'm done. Whew.

So here we are, at another Marvel Event with another god damn zero issue. I mean, we have to have some back story to the rewriting of the back story. So why not? Let's burn down Captain America together.

/Hughn a guh

Sorry... now I'm done.

What is real? What isn't Real? What's Really Real? What's Really Really Really Real? ... Real.

What is real? What isn't Real? What's Really Real? What's Really Really Really Real? ... Real.

Cap is Hydra. Hydra won WWII, but the allies got a cosmic cube and they will rewrite all of history to make it look like they won, but Cap will be protected by swimming in a pool of magic shit that will allow him to remember at a later date.

Really... because I'm kinda ready for it to.

Really... because I'm kinda ready for it to.

Or maybe not. We're not sure if this "reality" is real... or if "real" even matters. So, I'll cut to the chase with all of this. Maria Hill used a sentient cosmic cube, Kobik, to rewrite the minds of people and he kinda got outta control... or the Allies used a cosmic cube back in 45 to rewrite the minds of people and change history... or all of the above. It's kinda portrayed in a way that either could be the case. 

There are a lot of threads being pulled here: The Chitauri invasion that Alpha Flight wanted to preempt with a shield that covered the Earth, which Captian Hydra opposed; Tony Stark is back on his feet after being not-quite-dead (Captain Hydra knows Tony will stop him, because we have to have Iron Pants be a hero or die again or some shit... who knows?); Sokovia has fallen to Hydra and they now have nukes; and Super villains are running amok all over the place. SHIELD will fall and fall hard.

Even Alternate Reality Superman dies... wait, that sound familiar.

Even Alternate Reality Superman dies... wait, that sound familiar.

Captain Hydra has everyone where he wants them - He brings the entire world to its knees. Some of the most powerful heroes in the universe are dead. Manhattan was lit up like a Christmas tree. The US government has gone underground and control of the US military was given to Director of Shield Steve "Captain America" Rogers. Everything is about to crumble until, inexplicably, Williams gets the global shield up (though Tony doesn't know how), and the Day might just be saved. Until the curtain falls and traitor is laid bare: Steve Rogers, Supreme leader of Hydra has trapped some of the Earth's most powerful heroes in orbit outside the impenetrable shield. He has taken command of SHIELD using Faustus hyptonic suggestion (really). All of the New York heroes are trapped in the "Darkforce Dimension" (really). He is in control of the US military. Tony has figured it out too late. 

Hail Hydra.

/Blergh 

Dammit. 

(Why was this a "Zero" issue? Couldn't you just have called this a number "One." Minor point, I guess.)

So, what do I think about the writing of this issue? Well, I think Nick Spencer writes funnier jokes than Bendis - "Laser Nipples".... hilarious. 

There, I said something nice. 

I do, I guess, have to give props to the amount of story weaving that has taken place over the past year. Everything does kinda fit even if you have to use a god-like magic to explain some things away. If you pitched to me the story that the ultimate good guy is the ultimate bad guy, and that the blotted Marvel hero-verse will be effectively shut down.... then I may have been interested.

...But I can't help but feel that at any given moment we are all going to "wake up" from a bad dream in this. Did this really happen, and if it did, did the past really happen, and if it did what was justification for all of this? I'm not so much confused as I am annoyed. 

Also, Daniel Acuna's art is nothing special. It's not bad, but this is an "event" book, so shouldn't it be better than "not bad?" Hell, I kinda like this better than Civil War II as a story, which seems to be the precursor "event" to this "event," but Civil War II was always pretty even though it was banal. 

So, I'm not going to give this book a good grade, or even a reasonable grade, or even a feasible grade. I'm giving it:

Rating: F/10 Chitauri Named "Snuggles"