It’s been a while, but we’ve decided to dust off the ol’ Battle Draft and commit to six rounds of ridiculous, overly-aggressive drafting. Why? Because IT’S THE FUGGIN’ HOLIDAYS, BRUH.
This time around we wanted to pool our collective knowledge of old school wrasslers; we wanted to craft stables of some of the best wrestlers from our childhoods, and see who would be able to form a team that would exceed in a variety of ways. The timeframe we’re culling from is the first Wrestlemania (1985) until the heart of the Attitude Era (1999) – which, geez, is arguably the greatest era of wrestling since EVER.
The draft order was determined by a four-sided dice (courtesy of these beauts I use for our Reverse Centaur campaigns), and it ended up going Kevin (the Power Bottoms), Drew (Legacy), Grant (the Bulgy Boyz), and Ben (the Mega Fucks). We’re doing a Snake draft, where the last pick and first pick end up going back to back as the draft snakes around (eh? Ehhhhh?). Since this is the first edition, we’ll go with rounds 1 & 2. Kevin, start the underwhelming!
1.1: Kevin - Alright you Cunt Twaddles,I see what your doing. You pick the area of Geekery that I am weakest in and cover up for that fact by letting me have the first pick.
Fuck You, I don’t need your charity. I had enough friends growing up that hung around trailer park utility sheds lighting cans of WD – 40 on fire while trying to keep their rat-tails in tact. I picked up more than just He-Haw references. Sure, their parents may have been brother and sister, but their sibling love paled in comparison to their devotion to WWF. So yah… I’ll wade into the incestuous side of the gene pool and reach down and pull up the jizz crusted rag that blew the rape whistle on Grant’s hand.
I will pick the legend known to the French as Géant Ferré. Don’t know who that is do you? You uncultured fucks. His Slavic name was André Roussimoff, but if that last name has too many syllables in it, you can just call him “The Giant.”
Monsieur Roussimoff was undefeated in the WWF for 15 years until that fateful day at the Pontiac Silverdome for Wrestlemania III. Legendary broad caster Bob Uecker held the mic as the 525 lbs Mammoth was laid low before the jeering crowd. He may have lost because he had consumed 13 bottles of wine before the match.
Which leads me to his drinking. Roussimoff has been unofficially crowned "the greatest drunk on Earth" for once consuming 119 12-US-fluid-ounce beers in six hours. On an episode of WWE's Legends of Wrestling, Mike Graham said Roussimoff once drank 156 16-US-fluid-ounce beers in one sitting, which was confirmed by Dusty Rhodes. The Fabulous Moolah wrote in her autobiography that he drank 127 beers in a hotel bar and later passed out in the lobby. The staff could not move him and had to leave him there until he awoke.
But I didn’t pick him because of his large body of work… or his equally large body... I picked him because of his large heart.
His character, not his actual cardiac organ, which I’m sure was also huge.
William Goldman, the author of the novel and the screenplay of The Princess Bride in which Roussimoff played the character Fexxic, wrote in his nonfiction work Which Lie Did I Tell? that Roussimoff was one of the gentlest and most generous people he ever knew. Whenever Roussimoff ate with someone in a restaurant, he would pay, but he would also insist on paying when he was a guest. After one meal, Arnold Schwarzenegger had quietly moved to the cashier to pay before Roussimoff could, but then found himself being physically lifted, carried from his table and deposited on top of his car by Roussimoff and Wilt Chamberlain.
You’re up Droooooo, let’s see you top that.
Grant: Just a hell of a pick.
Kevin: Just declare me the winner now... sometimes the heel gets to win. *checks to see if what he said was true
Drew: HA! YOU GRUNDEL GOBBLERS
Kevin: You can't beat it
Drew: Oh I can and I am about to
1.2: Drew - Alright you "it's that time of the month, I can't get pregnant" mistakes, listen up while I explain exactly how badly Kevin just FUCKED UP that first pick. Seriously Kev, were you sniffing those tiny glue bottles? "But Papa Bear, how did I fuck up? Andre is a legend!"
How did you fuck up? BECAUSE STONE COLD SAID SO! You wanna talk about your picks, about your wrestling history like it's a bible? Well Austin 3:16 says I'm about to WHOOP YOUR ASS.
There has never been and possibly will never be another wrestler like Stone Cold Steve Austin, born Steven James Anderson in Austin, Texas. The son of a beer can and a bad attitude, the Texas Rattlesnake. In 1996, he kicked off the Attitude Era with his promo after beating Jake The Snake for the King of the Ring title. He produced a classic at WM13 with Bret Hart. He was WWF's Deadpool!!!
From 1997 to 1999, Austin feuded famously with company owner Vince McMahon. His ascent to total domination included a win at WM14 with an assist from Mike Tyson AFTER HE FLIPPED OFF MIKE TYSON ON RAW. He beat Undertaker in a Buried Alive match. Stone Cold got a one-on-one match against McMahon in a steel cage match, with the WWF Championship opportunity at WrestleMania XV at stake.
If you needed something more than the biggest star this side of The Rock (whose rise truly began ONLY AFTER Stone Cold got injured near the end of 1999), Stone Cold made $10 million on SHIRT SALES ALONE in 1998. No one has ever made more than $5 million since or before.
Can't wait to see how Grant decides to bobbles this, just like he bobbled his lunch which led to the stain on his shirt. It's there. We all know it's there. Don't act like it's not. Also, a big FUCK YOU to the dice that determined Ben gets back to back picks. Hey Ben, you gonna pick Bret Hart twice while touching yourself?
Grant: YOU FUCK YOU TOOK MY PICK! I hate you so much
Grant: I'M FLUSTERED
Kevin: So Drew picked the ice cream chain guy?
1.3: Grant - Alright you flop-sweating mouth breathers, you're taking flashy picks. The Big Name picks. Were I kept in a crate with a bottle of Surge and a crusty gym sock I, too, would have chosen something befitting a Thai man-boy. But NO, I have something better in mind.
You want consistency with your excellence. You want technical prowess and sheer power. You want a master of gimmicks who reinvented himself for nearly 30 years while still being as unique a presence as wrestling has ever seen. You want the Undertaker.
My dude debuted in the WWF at 25 years old in 1990 after brief stints in the WCW and the WCCW (and, one would assume, the WCCCCW) as a force of nature, an overly theatrical presence that backed up his fucked-up theme with devastating impact. Seriously, did anyone think that a dude called "the Undertaker" would have held on to that goofy-ass ring name as long as he did? He was accompanied by Paul Bearer, for the love of Blassie!
Getting down to the numbers, Mean Mark Calloway has held 17 Championships, has 101 WWF/WWE Pay Per View victories, and held the Streak - an unparalleled 21 straight victories at Wrestlemania. We could bring up the ultimate renaissance of the American Bad Ass, but that falls just out of our purview, so I'll stick with the Taker as the Western Mortician, the Dead Man, and the Lord of Darkness. Prime Taker, if you will.
I'm not even mentioning the incredible amount of feuds and storylines that revolved around the Taker because I have things to do and erotic voicemails from Drew to erase, but rest assured it's a staggering amount. I acknowledge your previous picks, but I'll take the guy who could have (and in the case of Austin, HAS) beaten the shit out of them. So, like Finn on a school night, I'll go to sleep knowing I outsmarted Kevin yet again.
Ben, whenever you're done braiding your pubes, could you please make your embarrassing picks so I can make another great one?
Kevin: Finn on a school night. Dying. It's so on
Ben: Do i go two picks here with the swing yeash?
Grant: who wants to take bets on Ben taking the Hart Brothers?
Kevin: Like... In bed?
Grant: …yes. In bed.
Kevin: 90% chance
1.4 & 2.1: Ben - Honestly, this one was too easy.
You left me two guys at the swing who main evented one of the most profitable WrestleManias of all time, and who lit the wrestling world on fire as the Mega Powers. One of the best told stories in professional wrestling's history, and two of the biggest icons and performers from any era from any promotion.
I choose the Mega Powers in Hulk Hogan and Macho Man Randy Savage with my two picks. It would take until WrestleMania 9 for the main event at the biggest show of the year not to feature one of these two men ... and guess what ... after the main event ended at WM9, Hulk Hogan still came out, stole the show and left with the WWF Championship thanks to Yokozuna accepting an ill-fated challenge.
There is no WrestleMania without either of these men. There is no Monday Night Wars without either of these men. Randy Savage put on one of the best matches of all time at WrestleMania 3 against Ricky Steamboat, and got a fantastic story and match out of Hogan at WrestleMania 5.
Hogan is a six-time WCW champion, six-time WWF/E champion. Savage won the tournament at WrestleMania IV to become WWF Champion and held the title until losing it to Hogan at WrestleMania 5. Not only is Macho Man one of the most enigmatic performers of all time, but one of the best workers to ever lace up the boots as a four-time WCW champion, two-time WWF champ, king of the ring winner and a one-time intercontinental champion.
Together, as a team, the Mega Powers beat he Mega Bucks (Andre the Giant and Ted DiBiase) in the main event of SummerSlam and Survivor Series in the late 1980s. When the Mega Powers exploded, wrestling changed forever. Good job, you jamokes, you left me the Mega Powers. Your ineptitude never ceases to amaze me.
Grant: quality picks, though. Surprised Hulk lasted that long. in life, and in draft. in terms of cultural impact, there's no touching Hulk or Savage in all honesty
Kevin: fuck that, we aint being honest.
Ben: HULK OWNS ANDRE AND YOU MAD. I don’t take Hulk without Savage tho.
Kevin: 13 bottles of wine versus what ever roids Hulk was popping
Ben: So much coke too
Kevin: speaking of roids... working on next pick.
2.2: Grant - Were we drafting stables based on the leather-like quality of tans, you'd definitely be the top-seed Benjamin. But much like your shart-like fantasy baseball drafts, you're relying too heavily on steroid-addled athletes. (Ask Kevin, he knows all about backne)
So I think I'll take the better pick here, someone who not only is a better member of a tag team, but also someone who is arguably one of the most gifted wrestlers of all time.
Yes fellas, I'm drafting none other than the Heartbreak Kid himself, Shawn Michaels.
High-flying aerial attacks? Check. Amazing physicality? Check. Almost single-handedly kickstarting the Attitude Era? CHECK.
Michaels was as accomplished a tag-team member as he was a solo face, pulling in four world championships and five tag team titles. Oh, and he was the first man to win the Royal Rumble as the number one entrant, which is a mind-boggling mix of stamina, constitution, and sheer bulldog determination. His theme song is instantly recognizable, as are his dizzying array of flashy moves, and the best part of all? No one sells better than Michaels.
Things have been making too much sense recently, so I guess that means Drew finished picking which pair of jorts to wear and which horrible decision to make.
Drew: We're even now you FUCK lol I wanted HBK BAD right there
Grant: I CAN PAIR HIM WITH ANYONE
Ben: He’ll just lose his smile and quit on you when it gets tough
2.3: Drew - Grant, you only hate on my jorts because I found a way to hide my tiny penis from the world while yours still looks unimpressive in your 2006 Mom is a teacher khakis stained with homemade blasty sauce. I was gonna act surprised that Ben took the Mega-Powers but then I remembered I don't have 6 hours for the lecture that would follow on the importance of story telling in the wrestling ring and how much smarter than me Ben is so I figure I'll just do some good storytelling here in the mock draft.
Because he might actually be the best wrestler in history, led one of the greatest factions of all time, can wrestle with or against anyone and give you a 5 star match, is part of the biggest screw job in company history, he is the first man to win both the WWF and WCW Triple Crown Championships. Hart is also the 1994 Royal Rumble match winner (with Lex Luger), and the only two-time King of the Ring but above all else, most importantly, the #1 reason I am making this pick?
Because fuck you Ben.
Kevin, quick reminder, you can't add "40K" to the end of a wrestler to make him more badass. Just FYI.
Drew: SLEDGE IS UP, SHOTS HAVE BEEN FIRED
Drew: Also, I now have the perfect 2 members of my stable to eventually turn on each other
Kevin: Old Balls Flying. Droo, back at you
-- Kevin only sends one pick in--
2.4: Kevin - I’m not gonna lie, you taint warts managed to ooze out some decent picks much like puss for an infected wound. When each of you are shaking in the corner, trying to figure out where the pieces of your shattered, meaningless lives have been scattered, you can look back at this moment and realize there was no winning for you anyway. And as you curl up in the excrement of your poor decisions, realize that this had all been staged – and the winner was predetermined. Something that Bill Goldberg admitted to Heraldo Rivera just before he slapped him.
That’s right, I’m picking Universal Soldier starring, MMA commenting, all-American Bill Goldberg 40K. (Fuck You Droo, it is better).
Goldberg rose to fame in WCW with a lengthy undefeated streak in singles competition from 1997 to 1998, which was considered the longest winning streak in professional wrestling until Asuka surpassed it in 2017. During this time, he became a two-time United States Heavyweight Champion and one-time World Heavyweight Champion. He was also a one-time World Tag Team Champion (with Bret Hart), making him along with Hart the fifth WCW Triple Crown winner.
Following WCW's closure in 2001, Goldberg wrestled for All Japan Pro Wrestling between 2002 and 2003, and for WWE between 2003 and 2004, becoming a one-time World Heavyweight Champion in the latter. After twelve years away from the company, he returned to WWE in 2016 and headlined Survivor Series against Brock Lesnar and Fastlane against Kevin Owens, where he won the Universal Championship, his third world title. Goldberg headlined multiple pay-per-view events for WCW and WWE, including twice closing WCW's premier annual event Starrcade. He is the only person to win the WCW World Heavyweight Championship, WWE's World Heavyweight Championship, and the WWE Universal Championship. He was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame class of 2018 the weekend of WrestleMania 34.
But I didn’t pick him because of his body of work… or his ageless body. I picked him for his car bodies.
The man owns more classic American muscle cars then anybody but Jay Leno. He restored a 1970’s Mercury 100 that sat outside in Saskatchewan for over 30 years. The man knows his way around the ring and the tool bench.
Speaking of tools, Droopy Drew is next
Drew: You have 2 picks here old balls
Kevin: … Working on it.
Grant: I like spiteful picks, But not bold picks. Sorry Sledge, Goldberg is fart
Drew: Oooooo his latest run was a fart, but His run that puts him in this draft was epic and legendary
Kevin: Also, Goldberg drove the Ebola Dromeon Grand Tour, so fuck you.
That’ll wrap up rounds 1 and 2 for our newest Battle Draft. Check back tomorrow for Round 3!